Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
ttyl tear gas
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
