i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize