dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
