If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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