Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
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I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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