My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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