It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
