you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
