the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I love you. Go after that dick
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
