smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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