The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
