im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
