tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
