New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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