In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
