My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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