I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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