let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
3 2 1 whiskey
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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