Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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