Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
