Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
