too bad you live with your parents still
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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