you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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