Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize