My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
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Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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