My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
