'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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