There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
