Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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