We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
