2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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