i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
