I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
