Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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