She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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