I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
