So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
