if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
