turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
