it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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