sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
