you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't deserve a penis
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
