think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
last night I used snow as a chaser
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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