Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
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On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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