god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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