I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We are all done wearing pants today
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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