what if every blade of grass was a penis?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
