PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
