I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
