he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
