dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
