The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
