College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
