Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
