I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
