just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
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I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
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And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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