i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
